All that was me is gone [Falconpaw]

He was mad, fuming almost. He didn't know how the elder tom-cat had told his best friend about the split up, but it had done him no good. He was merely a shell of the cat that he loved, the cat that would do anything for everyone. Gorse had the purest heart he had ever seen, but now he was hurting. And as the big brother he was, he wasn't just going to stand around and let him hurt. He never expected his ex-mentor to be the guy to hurt him this bad. Stallionstar had always trained him with such honesty, but it didn't work out the way it should've. Maybe the phrasing of it all had been wrong, but he wouldn't allow this to go on. First he gives his son Amberstorm, his mom to be the mentor of Gorsepaw. She wasn't exactly the sweetest cat and he was always keeping an eye out for him. Because his mom, was still his mom. And his mom was tough, strict, but also emotionally unstable. He figured out that much. She had a new rank within the clan as Deputy. He wouldn't have bothered this much if it had been another apprentice, but Gorse was his precious friend and little brother. Even before Shatteredice had adopted him as her son, he always saw the red and white tom-cat as his little brother. And he wanted to be that person for Gorse. He could see the spotted tom on a hill, always if he thought about the cat, he'd see them. He should stop doing that honestly. "Falconpaw" Stallionstar said to him, his voice laced with respect. Falcon tried to stay calm, even if he wanted to scream at the leader. Another way he saw the connection with his mom. But he wasn't completely like her, because right now? He contained his anger. "Stallionstar," He greeted the tom, as calmly as he possibly could right now. "Out hunting I suppose?" He continued. His voice was calm, but within his blue eyes the irritation and anger was still visible for the older tom.

He didn't understand why the other tom-cat was so calm about everything. Was he already over it? That shouldn't even be a possibility. He got it now, that his mom was trying to make him strong, because for these things he had to be the strong one, to protect the cats whom he loved. Gorse was definitely one of them. He always respected this tom-cat, at one point even saw him like a dad he never had, but now? After he hurt Gorse like that? No, he wasn't happy with that, not at all. The tom-cat nodded when he asked if the tom was hunting. Routnose had told him it was important to still train hunting and fighting and he couldn't have agreed more. She had named Stallionstar especially, but it must be fine to pick any other warrior as well in his eyes. As long as he trained it should be fine. "Would you like to join me?" The large tom asked him while standing up from the grass. He flicked with his tail, before nodding. "Yeah, I have some time." He told the other tom, but there was a slight edge in his voice. The warmth he used to have there when he talked to the other tom, wasn't there at all. He was giving the tom more like the cold shoulder, right now. The tom was still the leader of WindClan and he couldn't go off and scream at him, not with his own rank. If he had been a normal apprentice, yes, maybe he would. But not with the rank of medicine cat apprentice.

When he nodded, Stallionstar strated to trot on the Moorland below them. He followed slightly behind the big tom. The fact that he got adopted on such a big day was a pleasure to his sadness. Amberstorm hadn't even congratulated him until he stopped her in her tracks a couple of days later. As soon as she had heard the news the she-cat had rushed out of the camp without even glancing at him. She had explained herself later, but at that day, at that moment, it hurt. And Shatteredice had been so proud of him that he had earned that rank. He had gotten a whole family with her adoption. The tom-cat suddenly stopped his tracks and Falconpaw frowned at the big tom. Why was he stopping? They were just simply hunting together. "I know why you react that way, I'd like to thank you for taking in Gorsepaw" A raw edge had appeared in the voice of the tom-cat, but he wasn't falling for this crap. He was doing the exact same as Amberstorm! Playing the victim. He wasn't going to be the grown up for two cats. He just grunted softly to acknowledge the Gorsepaw thing. "And I'm willing to answer all your questions Falconpaw." His blue eyes shot up to the large tom cat and he breathed out harshly through his nose. "I don't agree with the choices you make." He said with a flick of the point of his tail. And he meant that. It all started back then, when Gorse had gotten a mentor. "Amberstorm is the wrong mentor for Gorsepaw. And don't give me that 'she's a great warrior' crap. You know yourself that she isn't the right mentor for Gorsepaw." He hissed at him. He even spoke his concerns to the tom about his mother, that he wasn't sure that she loved him and he just told him that she did love him. He didn't do anything else. "I didn't say anything because I trusted you to make the right choice for him, but after he came into the camp with bloodshot eyes from crying? And started crying as soon as I took him to my nest? That's unforgivable." He said while he squinted his eyes a little bit.

He was just plain angry with the choices Stallionstar made. He couldn't see why the tom would act this way with his son. His own son! Amberstorm was fine for the strictness and for the loyalty, but it was not what Gorsepaw needed at this moment. Gorsepaw needed a mentor he could talk to and was not mentally stable at the moment. She had her own issues that she should be working on instead of training Gorsepaw. And lastly of all, he found it unforgivable that his little brother had been crying in his nest and was just merely a fraction of the cat he had been just before that. Gorse didn't deserve to be treated like that and the tom should've known that. "It wasn't my choice to leave Shatteredice. She left me for Daintywhiff. Someone had to tell Gorsepaw and unfortunately that was me" the tom spoke as his eyes narrowed, but that wasn't an excuse for him. It was far from an excuse in his eyes. The tom wanted to what, play the card of the innocent? Like his mom? They were both at fault here, Shatteredice and Stallionstar. "It wasn't my choice to split up, but it happened anyway" He blew out air, discontent with the words of his leader. He still tried to be respectful, but it was hard when he was so mad at the tom-cat for hurting his best friend. "No, see, that's where you made a mistake." He said, his blue eyes pointed at the older tom. "You talked to him. Alone. There is no way for Gorse to see that you guys are doing okay. You are both his parents. This should've been something the both of you had to tell. Together. To show him that whatever happened still makes you a family." He said with disbelief on his face. Were they really that stupid? Gorse needed to know that everything was okay, that it was okay for them to split up. That there were other ways to tell them. "This way you only showed him that you're really apart. That the family completely broke up. That is what broke him." He said with an annoyed look on his face and an annoyed flick of his tail. It should've been that simple, just for them to act like parents and not like children. They had kids together, so if they were to split up they would still be parents together. They still had to act together as parents. "And I don't care who left whom. I care about Gorsepaw." He said, his ears flat in his neck from anger. He just couldn't believe the words he heard from the leader. He was supposed to have the wisdom that could lead the clan. Why did he have to learn every grownup how to react like a grownup? "If you advise me as Medicine Cat to give Gorsepaw a new mentor I'll give him one" The tom spoke, to which Falcon couldn't keep in a soft, annoyed growl. "I'm not talking to you right now as the Medicine Cat apprentice!" He exclaimed to the elder tom-cat. Why should his rank matter? Why was it so important to keep his rank in the back of his mind? "Why should it matter if I'm the Medicine Cat apprentice or not? I'm a concerned friend and brother of Gorsepaw! And my rank shouldn't matter if I wish to speak about that!" He said with a frown on his face. He just didn't understand why the tom was so focussed on his rank. Just because he was the medicine cat apprentice he would listen to him and do whatever he says?! That was just bull in his eyes. The tom was the leader and should listen to him as Gorse's best friend and brother, not because he was the medicine cat apprentice. "You're the leader. How can you not even see that right now, Amberstorm can't handle an apprentice with her current mental state?!" He hissed at the bigger tom. If even he, an apprentice could see that, how couldn't he see that? Why did he have to defend his own to the tom? Couldn't he see how mentally unstable his own deputy was? How she had problems piling up on her. The tom had seen how he had treated him and Hazelpaw, yet decided that his son, who is very sensitive, needed the she-cat who was so tough?! He couldn't even start to understand the leader in front of him. There were so many warriors that were a better fit for Gorsepaw, one where he could talk to without feeling scared to be yelled at. Because she could yell, he was the one who heard her yell the most times in a short time probably.

He just couldn't understand why the tom-cat was such an idiot when talking to his best friend. It was done completely wrong and he just couldn't see the tom's reasoning behind his ways. He was supposed to be the wise one, just like Amberstorm was supposed to be the mother and care for him. But those things apparently didn't happen in this world. This world was meant to be for the youngsters, for cats like him. He had to be the grown-up for everyone because he had to keep on thinking about the problems they made and solve them as well. It was insane to think that they solve their problems by a nine moon old apprentice. "You're right Falconpaw. I shouldn't have talked to him alone" The tom told him, admitted his mistake right in front of him. See? That was just an idiotic move of the tomcat. Why were they doing things like these? Geez. "It was wrong to do so, I only wanted to be honest with him" the spotted tom told him with a flick of his tail. Honest? Honest in the wrong way, that was for sure. "Learn from this, I won't let you screw up two times." He said bitterly to the leader. And that was something he meant. He didn't want to come up to the leader again to talk about this, because he wouldn't play nice anymore in that case.

And then he started about the second topic he wanted to talk about, which was still about Gorsepaw, but also about his mom. He couldn't believe how blind the guy was to things like these. He couldn't understand why the tom had not seen this coming but then again, he never saw this coming as well. That much was clear for him. "What exactly do you mean by her mental state?" He rolled his eyes at those words. Really? He's her deputy and he didn't even know what was going on? He grumbled softly, unhappy with the words of his leader. "Are you blind or something?" he gritted out to the tom with anger in his eyes. "She's working herself to death, do you think she's doing that because she's happy? Or because she's unhappy with her life? Unhappy with the cat she has come to be?" He hissed to the tom with fury. How he just thought everything was fine was a wonder to him, because this seemed like this was not fine at all without even telling him that something had happened. He wasn't just going to tell the tom about all the family problems that he had, but really, most cats could see that she was not in a good mood, that she had never been in a good mood. "What kind of mom would walk away without even saying anything when you become a medicine cat apprentice?" He said with disbelief in his eyes. Because that hadn't been a sign for the tom that something was wrong? Nah, everything was just fine in the eyes of the tom, geez.

He just couldn’t understand the incompetence of their leader. He was supposed to know things like these, cats looked up to him to make the right choices as their leader. Yet he didn’t. He was supposed to be the wise one, the one everyone could advice of. And yet.. Yet he only made him more angry. Weren’t leaders supposed to know how to handle things like these? It was plain angering to see him struggle like this. ”I never intended to hurt Gorsepaw and am not starting right now or in the future. I would rather die than hurt him” The tom-cat spoke, his green eyes staring down in his blue eyes. Some cats might’ve been impressed, but he stared down into his mothers eyes loads of times. And the eyes of his mom were more devastating than the angry eyes of the tom in front of him.
He asked the tom-cat if he was blind, not knowing what was going on. ”Well, maybe I am” the tom-cat spoke to him, to which he squinted his eyes slightly. This was not a time to make jokes, really. ”I am not all knowing, I’m just a cat like you that sometimes makes mistakes. It’s what makes us us.” He was not here to hear about things like this. This was not an excuse for not knowing what was going on. This was far from an excuse. He should know things like this. The tom just frowned at his words about his mom, like he had never seen it before. He knew it, he just closed his eyes like everyone else was doing. Not caring about how their clanmate was doing. It was a disgrace because now a little boy had to go around and fix everything because the grown-ups couldn’t do it themselves. They can’t even name themselves grown-ups if he had to fix everything. ”A mother who, just like her son had a lot on her plate” Really? That again? He rolled, again, with his blue eyes. At least he was dealing with it like an adult instead of a little kitten. ”I understand your anger Falconpaw, Gorsepaw is important to you. He also is important to me” He just wanted to walk away from this horrible conversation. ‘important’ wasn’t even beginning to explain how he felt about his little brother. Gorse was just like Hazel for him, he would die for them if he had to. ”I’ll have a talk with your mother when we get back to Camp. Maybe it will help her to have a cat listening to her. As for you Falconpaw, I see you worry about a lot of things. I will take care of talking with your mother, will you take care of your training?” He flicked with his tail, annoyed. He already tried talking to his mom, several times in fact. It wasn’t like she was going to open up to Stallionstar like that. He wouldn’t believe she would at least. ”And please, even though I’m not your favourite cat right now, know you can always talk with me” His fur bristled slightly at those words and he breathed out pretty loud through his nose, looking at the tom, thinking about the words that he had to say to him. ”It’s my job to worry.” He told the tom-cat with slightly squinted eyes. ”I wouldn’t be a good medicine cat apprentice if I didn’t.” He said before turning around and looking out to the fields. ”I’m done talking now. Figure thangs out before it gets even more dung.” He spoke loud and clear. Because he meant it, Stallionstar had things to figure out before he could speak to anyone about stuff like this. Just like he had. ”For now, I close this topic. Training.” He said, looking over his shoulder to the bigger tom-cat.